So this post is fairly straightforward–pretty much a recounting of my past so that I can help sort out who I want to be. From ages 0-14 I was naive, timid, and fairly anxious. I didn’t have confidence in myself or my abilities. At the age of 15 that slowly started to change. Accepted into the high school environment, with supportive friends, and five years of anxiety counseling under my belt I started to get more confidence. I was assertive enough to ask for what I wanted most of the time, and I was getting more comfortable with the world and my place in it. However I did start to notice aspects of my personality changing for the worse. While I still was fairly modest about most of my abilities I grew cocky academically and socially. If there was a brief description I could give my 16 year old self it would be “cocky ass”. High school work came easily to me, and I had enough friends and was accepted enough socially that I started to get a wee bit carried away. An event that spanned May of Grade 11 managed to mature me a hell of a lot socially. I still get carried away at times, but on the whole I’ve calmed down a lot since then–though recent events have shaken me up as to how much I have a handle on myself. The academic cockiness–well, that took a bit longer. As in the first semester of university handled that quite nicely. As to the recent events I’ve mentioned that would be first semester as well. I’m not sure I’m comfortable saying that I suffered from depression first semester. I admit the feelings I had were the worst since I was suffering from depression (Grade 7-8), upon reflection it seems much more like I was feeling in the last couple months of Grade 11 and the first month of that summer–high stress, high anxiety, resulting in a loss of self-control in all areas. So I’m going to use what was my first instinct and call first semester the “adjustment period”. Anyway the adjustment period managed to break down my academic cockiness. The loss of self-control in all areas has caused me to act much more like an ass than I would have liked, and also managed to shake my self-confidence up so much that I definitely withdrew. Not to mention that the adjustment period caused me to change tremendously, lose the knowledge of who I am, resulting in this current quest to find out who I have become…. And looking back over the years it is when I have been self-deprecating, modest for a lack of a better term that I have been happiness. While my particular version of modesty may sound like defeatism and fatalism to some ears I think it really is an important part of who I am. It reveals my inner self to the world much more effectively, and also keeps my ego from getting carried away. It acts almost as a governor to make sure I stay on the right track. So I’m going to go right on being self-deprecating and modest and lose the cockiness for as long as possible.
Published by Devin Hogg
My name is Devin Hogg. I was born and raised in Carnarvon, Ontario, Canada. I moved to Guelph, Ontario, Canada in 2009 for university and lived here ever since. In my free time, I enjoy reading, watching TV and movies, going on long walks, swimming, and practicing Chen style Tai Chi. I love to write poetry and blog regularly about topics such as mental health, sci-fi/fantasy series, faith, sexuality, and politics. View more posts