Well, I can no longer deny it. It would seem that I’m spiraling down towards depression again despite all that I learned over the past year. I’m not quite so bleak this time–I’m not wishing I’d never been born like I did last time, or thinking that my life should end like I did the time before that. It seems I’ve gotten over both of those rather bleak views. Instead it’s more subtle, more insidious. Just a general feeling of weariness, of despair, as opposed to a particular one. A strong inclination to give up and give in—to drop out of university, retreat to my hometown of Haliburton, and rest in the peace and quiet there for the rest of my days. I’m not actually at the point of doing that of course, and it IS a rather impractical and unrealistic inclination but sometimes doing something like that seems so tempting…but then a part of me rebels. The part that knows that to give up, to give in, would be to destroy me. But at the same time I feel so weary, so despairing, so wounded that it seems like choosing the easy course would be to my benefit this time. It’s an internal conflict of interests. It’s a conflict that has always been taking place inside of me, but there are times when it’s easy to handle and times when it feels I’ll be ripped apart. I’ve been using every tool in the book and then some: meditation, trancing, reading, listening to music, watching television, watching movies, Taoist Tai Chi, getting out of the house, and sheer old willpower. Nothing seems to work, or works only for a brief time. I’m sleeping far too much. And to top it all off I’m definitely not eating right. I’m far too hungry, far too much of the time. Some of these issues might be addressed if I dropped out of university and retreated to Haliburton. But I’m at a loss as to what I’d do next. I’m no teacher so that takes out any form of instruction, and I can’t handle more than a few kids at a time which takes out child-care (plus the stress it would cause). Data entry requires a place urbanized enough to require it which takes me back to square one as far as relaxation goes. And I can’t make a living at the jobs I’d do over the summer without either a university degree or a commitment to go back to university–which again takes me right back to square one. I’ve entertained the idea of self-publishing but I am a rather amateur writer and if I’m not an instant bestseller or something similar I can’t really afford to throw money at it and I’d have to investigate another avenue. Having a university degree, like it or not, opens up some doors for me, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through this SEMESTER let alone two or three more years. The outlook is grim indeed right now and yet curiously I still have hope it will turn out right in the end. I just need to figure out HOW it’s going to turn out well in the end and I’d better do it soon because I’m running out of time.
Published by Devin Hogg
My name is Devin Hogg. I was born and raised in Carnarvon, Ontario, Canada. I moved to Guelph, Ontario, Canada in 2009 for university and lived here ever since. In my free time, I enjoy reading, watching TV and movies, going on long walks, swimming, and practicing Chen style Tai Chi. I love to write poetry and blog regularly about topics such as mental health, sci-fi/fantasy series, faith, sexuality, and politics. View more posts