On The Brink

I feel as if I am on the brink of a breakdown. My control over my emotions is deteriorating and I am snapping at people more than I should. The real world is overwhelming me. I’m tired of the roller coaster that is the news but I must keep informed because I know it is important to be informed. I fear for the future of Canada with the Conservative Party under Harper having a majority. I was happy to hear the news of bin Laden’s death but Obama’s Middle East policy speech made me wary as to his plans for that region. While I was relieved to hear that he recognized that violence could not force regime change and that the Palestinian-Israeli conflict could only be fully solved with the participation of both parties, his continuing exaltation of democracy as the only legitimate form of government worried me. In addition to that, I am finding that many strategies I have relied on in the past to keep me centered are no longer serving that purpose which means that I am now in uncertain territory trying to blaze a new trail as it were. My continuing exile from the world of romance continues to wear thin and yet the only way I see for that to change is to change who I am and that I cannot do. In the world of summer jobs, I am in a holding pattern with everything uncertain, and I do not function well when everything is uncertain. I am also concerned over the completion of university: my psychology course for the summer is much more difficult than I had expected judging by the course outline, and I am as yet unable to resolve my student status for the fall and will be unable to til mid-June. Add to that the fact that I am going into third year where there is an increase on emphasis in essay writing and that is historically a weak spot of mine. I am on track for an honors in Political Science but only just and that’s with multiple choice still in the mix–something I am uncertain will remain the same in further years. Furthermore, I am sensing an increasing remove from the family I live with: Mom, Dad, and Ryan. It is better when I am with my friends but we are all growing up and geographic distance and work schedules for the summer make it difficult for us to get together–and it is impossible to go back to the days when we saw each other five days a week for 10 months out of the year. In short, I feel overwhelmed, on the brink of collapse, without the usual fail-safes proving ineffective. Time is running out, and I’m coming up short when it matters most. Fortunately, my inherent stubbornness is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it means I’ll tough it out no matter how dark the road ahead seems; a curse because it increasingly isolates me as I grow older and the pressure to conform to society’s standards curiously increases. I have faith everything will turn out alright in the end, even if right now I have no idea how it will do so. I guess that, as in all matters of life, I shall have to wing it and hope for the best.

Published by Devin Hogg

My name is Devin Hogg. I was born and raised in Carnarvon, Ontario, Canada. I moved to Guelph, Ontario, Canada in 2009 for university and lived here ever since. In my free time, I enjoy reading, watching TV and movies, going on long walks, swimming, and practicing Chen style Tai Chi. I love to write poetry and blog regularly about topics such as mental health, sci-fi/fantasy series, faith, sexuality, and politics.

2 thoughts on “On The Brink

  1. I know this is going to sound silly, and I want you to know that I don't think you're on the brink of suicide or suicidal thoughts, but have you ever read \”Hello Cruel World\” by Kate Bornstein? It helps with collapses and the feelings of teetering so so so so so much because Bornstein doesn't tell you to go and think yourself out of your problems. She gives 101 ideas and in each idea a rating for how effective and how safe it is. There's no self-help book \”Hey, I've totally been through what you've been through, loser, but I can help you if you would just exercise/eat healthy/CBT therapy/whatever already\” mentality. Try reading it. I also understand the isolation you feel. My best friend is in Germany and my other is in Halifax, both for a while. It's hard and you feel like everything's closing in on you, so you start to search or drown. Mostly i just let myself drown because I don't understand most people. So I get where you're coming from on a few of your points. There is one point I would like to bring up though that is a flat-out lie in my eyes: the idea that you will never have romance. Devin, you will have romance. Everyone does. Perhaps your expectations for what romance is or love is are too high, or perhaps there is the possibility of romance that you just aren't seeing yet. I've met you, and as a girl I can say you are a really great guy. If I hadn't been having mental health crises and been coming out of a relationship where I was used, I would've made a move. I'm no longer single but there are a few girls out there like me who will see what I saw in you, and who will read your blog and also understand. The problems is that there are a lot of really shitty girls out there, and a lot of shitty people. It might feel like it's taking forever but you'll eventually wade through the shit and find something worthwhile.

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