I feel as if I am on the brink of a breakdown. My control over my emotions is deteriorating and I am snapping at people more than I should. The real world is overwhelming me. I’m tired of the roller coaster that is the news but I must keep informed because I know it is important to be informed. I fear for the future of Canada with the Conservative Party under Harper having a majority. I was happy to hear the news of bin Laden’s death but Obama’s Middle East policy speech made me wary as to his plans for that region. While I was relieved to hear that he recognized that violence could not force regime change and that the Palestinian-Israeli conflict could only be fully solved with the participation of both parties, his continuing exaltation of democracy as the only legitimate form of government worried me. In addition to that, I am finding that many strategies I have relied on in the past to keep me centered are no longer serving that purpose which means that I am now in uncertain territory trying to blaze a new trail as it were. My continuing exile from the world of romance continues to wear thin and yet the only way I see for that to change is to change who I am and that I cannot do. In the world of summer jobs, I am in a holding pattern with everything uncertain, and I do not function well when everything is uncertain. I am also concerned over the completion of university: my psychology course for the summer is much more difficult than I had expected judging by the course outline, and I am as yet unable to resolve my student status for the fall and will be unable to til mid-June. Add to that the fact that I am going into third year where there is an increase on emphasis in essay writing and that is historically a weak spot of mine. I am on track for an honors in Political Science but only just and that’s with multiple choice still in the mix–something I am uncertain will remain the same in further years. Furthermore, I am sensing an increasing remove from the family I live with: Mom, Dad, and Ryan. It is better when I am with my friends but we are all growing up and geographic distance and work schedules for the summer make it difficult for us to get together–and it is impossible to go back to the days when we saw each other five days a week for 10 months out of the year. In short, I feel overwhelmed, on the brink of collapse, without the usual fail-safes proving ineffective. Time is running out, and I’m coming up short when it matters most. Fortunately, my inherent stubbornness is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it means I’ll tough it out no matter how dark the road ahead seems; a curse because it increasingly isolates me as I grow older and the pressure to conform to society’s standards curiously increases. I have faith everything will turn out alright in the end, even if right now I have no idea how it will do so. I guess that, as in all matters of life, I shall have to wing it and hope for the best.
Published by Devin Hogg
My name is Devin Hogg. I was born and raised in Carnarvon, Ontario, Canada. I moved to Guelph, Ontario, Canada in 2009 for university and lived here ever since. In my free time, I enjoy reading, watching TV and movies, going on long walks, swimming, and practicing Chen style Tai Chi. I love to write poetry and blog regularly about topics such as mental health, sci-fi/fantasy series, faith, sexuality, and politics. View more posts