God’s Plan In Summary

Alright, so I just went through the entire Bible and I’ve got to say that this God guy is a genius–a master tactician and a brilliant planner. Below is a summary of what happens in the Bible that just how brilliant this guy is.

The majority of the Old Testament is spent with God saying, “Hey, I’m God, follow me and all will be well.” But the people are stubborn so God has to prove over and over again that he is God.

Finally, the Israelites accept God, and God says, “Awesome. Because you guys accepted me first, you get rewarded!”.

But the Israelites are dicks. So God says, “Alright, let’s make this simple. Here’s a bunch of laws. Follow and understand them and all will be well.”

But the Israelites grow increasingly arrogant. So God says, “Alright guys, it’s time for you to learn some HUMILITY. So I’m going to let you get conquered and maybe through adversity you might actually grow up. When you’re ready, I’ll send a Saviour to you and it’ll all be good.”

Fast forward a few generations and God sends John the Baptist. And John the Baptist says, “Guys, guess what? The Saviour is coming! LISTEN TO HIM!”

And then God sends Jesus. And Jesus says to the Jews, “Dudes, you’ve got this all wrong. You’re following the law without UNDERSTANDING the law. Let me break it down for you: Love God. Love God’s creations. By all means tell people of me and of your experiences. But leave the calling of people to God, and the judging of people to God.”

Needless to say, the Jews are a mite pissed to hear that they’re interpreting Scriptures incorrectly so they kill Jesus.

Then God raises Jesus from the dead, effectively proving that Jesus was right in all he was saying. And Jesus says to his apostles, “Guys, go out and spread the word”.

And the apostles go out and they say, “Dudes, there’s this really cool guy named Jesus. Here’s why he’s so awesome.” And they get a whole bunch more people following them because of Jesus.

Around this time, there’s this really big jerk named Saul. And Saul is a Jew who is doing his very best to defeat these Christian guys. And God says to Jesus, “Go down and say hi to Saul for me.” And Jesus goes down and says, “Hi Saul! Sorry to break it to you but I exist and am the Son of God. But don’t worry because now you can serve me by spreading the word!”. And Saul says, “Shit! I was wrong and the Christians were right! Time to spread the word I guess!” And so Saul becomes Paul, and God turns a great enemy into a great ally in a move that the Taoist masters would be truly envious of.

Then there’s this guy named Peter. And God says, “Hey Peter! Guess what! Jews aren’t the only ones who can be saved! Go tell EVERYBODY about Jesus!” And Peter starts spreading the word to everybody.

The rest of the New Testament is basically taken up by people like Paul writing letters to everybody saying, “Guys, if you want Christianity to be respected, here’s how to do it.”

That is until the end of the New Testament where there’s a guy named John. And God says, “Hey John! I’m going to give you a look ahead. Just a warning: it’s not going to be pretty. There’s going to be lots of death, destruction, mayhem, etc. But here’s the important thing to take away: the good guys win and peace reigns on Earth”.

And thus God brings about Christianity, which for better or for worse influences the world for the next two thousand years and is still going strong today.

Man, this guy is GOOD.

Published by Devin Hogg

My name is Devin Hogg. I was born and raised in Carnarvon, Ontario, Canada. I moved to Guelph, Ontario, Canada in 2009 for university and lived here ever since. In my free time, I enjoy reading, watching TV and movies, going on long walks, swimming, and practicing Chen style Tai Chi. I love to write poetry and blog regularly about topics such as mental health, sci-fi/fantasy series, faith, sexuality, and politics.

2 thoughts on “God’s Plan In Summary

  1. Ahhh love your summary Dev! Except did you really read Leviticus and Judges and all that shit? Man you are more dedicated than 99% of the Bible college students I know!

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  2. Yeah, I actually did read it. That said, I sped read through the details about laws (like how much, what, and when you have to sacrifice) and some of the sections where it listed a bunch of Jewish names again and again, but I got all the important points I believe.

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