Recently, I was asked whether I had considered trying the dating site Christian Mingle. This is not the first time I have been asked this, nor is it likely to be the last. This is a question that I believe has usually been well-intentioned–but it’s also a question and an idea I find frustrating in the extreme. So I want to unpack this a bit for all, in the hopes that those who find themselves in the “wilderness” of their respective faith communities will get some insight from my own thoughts and experiences.
Underlying Assumptions & My Stock Responses
On the surface, suggesting or inquiring about trying Christian Mingle (or other faith-based dating sites) makes a lot of sense. I am public about my ponderings on faith, and my current identification as a Christian, and it is a fair (though erroneous) assumption that I would thus be looking for someone of the same faith in my dating life.
I have two stock responses I usually go to when discussing such things. The first is a technical one–I have tried Christian Mingle in the past but they are one of the sites where you have to pay to message, and so not really worth the investment of time and energy. This is true, as far as it goes, but doesn’t really address the meat of the matter. The second is that the type of Christians likely to use Christian Mingle are not the type I’m likely to be interested in. This is closer to the truth, in that many of the Christians I know have been historically drawn to Christian Mingle tend to the more evangelical or fundamentalist strains that I have no real patience for. Again, though it fails to capture the true heart of my objections.
Faith & Dating: My Perspective
The truth is that the reason I don’t use Christian Mingle or other faith-based dating apps has more to do with my perspective on faith and dating in general. Before I unpack this, it’s important to note that this is definitely one area where I will not be prescriptive–this is merely how my understanding of, and practice of faith, are expressed in such matters.
Quite simply, when I am considering qualities of potential partners, what faith, if any, one has is not a priority–truthfully, it’s not even on the list of things I really give a damn about. That lack of concern with a potential partner’s faith perspective is, in turn, due to my own background and experience with faith.
Faith, for me, is fundamentally about relationships. All human beings have to wrestle with their relationships with other humans and with the rest of the world; faith, to me, merely adds the relationship with the divine.
I, personally, have come to identify as Christian primarily because my relationship with the divine has led me into Christian spaces and communities, and I find certain strains of Christian thought helpful in navigating my relationship with the divine. It is, however, important to note what this does, and doesn’t mean when it comes to navigating romantic relationships in the future.
Wills, Wants, and Wonts
A number of relationship experts and mental health professional have promoted the virtues of drawing up a Will, Want, Won’t list. The basic premise is that everyone has things they Want to do, things they Will do, and things they Won’t do. A similar premise applies to the practical expressions of my faith practice and my romantic/dating future.
I will always have a relationship with the divine. That is one thing I am absolutely sure of. The only other thing I’m sure of is that chi-based practices will continue to be a fundamental part of my faith practice. That is it for what I will absolutely not budge on
I think it likely I will continue to identify as Christian and to find certain strains of Christian thought helpful for navigating my relationship with the divine. This, however, is dependent on where my relationship with the divine leads me, and if it leads me away from Christian identity then I will bid adieu without regret. This is something I essentially can’t predict, and thus can’t say whether it will change or not.
Being a member of Christian communities and in Christian spaces is the piece which I am completely open to abandoning. Organized religion, whether expressed through churches, ministries, or other forms, is the aspect I have the most ambivalence about and always have one foot out the door of. At the moment, I am an official member at local church congregation and participate in worship, events and programming within that community–but it is important to note that I do so mainly for the purpose of developing relationships with other people and that it actually has fairly little impact on my relationship with the divine. I quite readily abandon Sunday services when they conflict with opportunities to be in relationship with other communities, such as friends and/or family. If it were ever to come down to a choice between a romantic partner and remaining part of an organized religious community, I would depart from the organized religious community in a heartbeat.
Concluding Notes
The true reason then that I don’t turn to Christian Mingle or other faith-based dating sites is that faith perspective is not something I look for in a partner and it strikes me as likely that such faith-based dating sites will self-select for people who care more about such things than I do which could certainly lead to potential problems down the road if the divine leads me away from Christianity for reasons other than romantic relationships.
What I do look for in a partner can be seen quite adequately on the usual go-tos such as Tinder, Bumble, okCupid, Match, Plenty Of Fish, Hinge, and the like. In the end I’m looking far more for traits such as compassion, courage, authenticity, and vulnerability, and for how the relationship affects me: am I drained or restored; do I enjoy spending time with the person or can I not wait to get away; do I learn and grow because of the relationship, or not; am I challenged to become a better person or just hero-worshipped?
This does not, of course, help me really get to the point of actually having more success in my dating and romantic endeavours; it does, however, help me to be clear on what does and doesn’t matter to me when I DO actually go on dates. That, for now, will have to be enough.
The Dreamers' Corner 